The Truth Hurts

Onward.

Wed, 09 Aug 2006 04:22:45 GMT

Today ended another chapter of my life as I left Wal-Mart for the summer and probably till kingdom come. I feel that that’s all I am doing recently, ending chapters. Or maybe someone is writing them for me while I sleep. It was a hard thing to leave because I still have feelings of incomplete when I think about what I did there and what I left there. So I made one last list of things that I liked about it there and I will share a few of them with you. I enjoy it when elderly couples come through and they have so much nonverbal communication that it makes me uncomfortable to make small talk because I feel like I would be interrupting them. The other day there was this really really really exhausted guy that came through my line. I mean he looked like he hadn’t slept for days but the poor fool had this grin on his face that was contagious. I soon figured out what was up when he bought diapers, bread, and ice cream, the good kind, not the Wal-Mart brand. The man was a new father. He really hadn’t slept for days. I think that would be nice someday. Today, my last day, as I was winding down my shift this lady came in wearing this crazy shirt that was bright colors declaring she was “black by nature”, “proud by choice”. She was intimidating to say the least. I checked her out and thought nothing more of it until with about a minute left she came back into the store because she found an item she didn’t pay for and wanted to buy it. I was more proud of her honesty than her race. Not to say that I don’t love the African American community because I do. I love them. I also love honest people and they often have a way of turning a bad day into a good one. Lastly I enjoy seeing the extremely independent pregnant woman. The other day there was a lady that looked like she could have given birth to twins in my line at any moment hauling around huge bags of softener salt and a cart full of groceries. She had a bunch of 24 packs of pop on the bottom of her cart and I was like miss, I will get that for you and she was like no! I will take care of it. It was really cute to see this little, almost exploding woman throwing around pop like she was as strong and big and tough as me. Well she was tougher than me and I was scared to death. Oh well. This ends Wal-Mart for me. It is finished.

One more thing of note, I keep getting good and bad news in pairs. They keep being very closely related and it always means more work for me. I get opportunities and I have to get a lot of cash in order to take advantage of them. I have made choices that I may live to regret. I have to make choices that I will probably question forever. This is really hard and I am running out of time. Time is the fire in which we burn you know. Or at least that’s what they say. Some will be scorched, some tempered. I just want to make it out alive.

Josh

Wonderful

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 04:02:13 GMT

Hello

Well nobody loves a complainer, so I decided to share things that I really liked about my job today. I love how little kids, like 2 or so always have to say things twice. Like, “Mommy I have the bread, mom I have the bread” just to make sure their parents hear them. I think that is really cute. It happened a few times today and I thought it was pretty good. I also enjoy when young couples, like in their mid to late 20’s with kids call each other “mom” and “dad”. Usually you don’t see that until they get much older. This also happened today and I mean I could see how it could a little weird at first, but it was pretty cute. Another thing that I liked today was the rumble of the children after church. There is a pretty hard rush around 10 to 1 and I try not to work very hard, but when I do I enjoy the general sounds of the happy little children, even the not so happy little ones. They always run around and get into trouble. Today one of the funniest things happened; there was this little girl that was getting into all sorts of things, throwing the candy on the floor, spinning my bag wheel, putting groceries on the floor and her mother yelled at her to stop. Her mother screamed HALLIE!! And I was like oh my goodness that little girls name is Hallie and I know a Hallie and that little girl is trouble. And then without thinking at all, I was like “Lady, she’s alright.” I scolded this lady for yelling at her daughter. I can’t believe I did that, she just looked at me and got really quiet and I finished and she paid and left. I was really embarrassed. The last thing I really enjoy about work is when I get to go watch the sidewalk sale. We put all this cruddy stuff outside to sell for super cheap and someone has to sit there and watch it and make sure it is neat and clean. I love that job because I love being outside and getting paid to just sit there and get a farmer’s tan. Me gusta. Oh and we also sort of got robbed today, so that is sort of a negative. Oh me.

Josh

Courageous, Just Like The Captain

Sun, 23 Jul 2006 12:45:02 GMT

Hi

This morning I woke with a calm I couldn’t explain. I was a little confused until I took the 4 foot stroll over to my mirror and realized what it was. I looked at the beauty with pride and happiness. I had bed head. I finally have enough hair to have bed head. I am so happy. I miss having ridiculously unattractive too long but not long enough to be cool hair. I am so almost back in action.

So my parents sort of bought a boat. Like a fast one I guess. I sort of thought this semester would be more focused and I would have the willpower to regain my 3.6, but I don’t really think that this helps anything. I love the lake, I like going fast on water, and I have the key to the house on my keychain. Somehow I don’t see this ending well.

So Wal-Mart has become the bane of my existence in a manner of speaking. I have about 20 bosses. Different levels of management, but in the store at any one time, I will have 20 people who are directly in charge of bossing me around. About half like me and about half see me as a cancer for the general malaise they have worked so hard to establish. Its like a game of Risk in the end, I win a country, they win a continent. But no matter how far behind I fall, I will never yield. I almost got jumped after work. I tried being nice to a coworker, you know just friendly old me. Well it didn’t go so well. So now I have to use the Christian virtue of cowardice and hide when this very large black man is around.

From Josh

C'mon Mother Teresa

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 16:27:02 GMT

Hi

This will really be quite awful because I will never be able to express what I mean to say well enough to mean much of anything. I also mix up words quite well. I have been on a sabbatical of sorts; my family went to Chicago for awhile, so I was left alone with my thoughts. I really haven’t spoken with anyone other than Korey and Hallie in the last week so I could be in preparation for the monastic life. I went to Our Lady for Church this Sunday, before my ridiculous shift at Walmart from 3 to 11:30. I was horrified at my luck, but in all honesty, working really late isn’t that bad. I closed the Customer Service Desk and it wasn’t really that busy at all. It was more of the principle of the thing that killed me. I may not agree with all his theology, but I still really love Fr. Mark. He is an amazing man and preacher. He actually just received his Doctorate of Canonical Law, a difficult task for someone so young, from the Catholic U in DC. He gave an amazing sermon Sunday focused around Matthew 10:5-15. It was exactly what I needed to be directed to, it was exactly what I needed to read, it was exactly what I needed to live out. He told a story about Mother Teresa before she was as well known as she was in her later life. She was in New York City looking for a new place to build an orphanage. The first morning she was there, she set off to search the city with a group of her Sisters. The people they were staying with noticed she didn’t carry any money with her and said that she might be able to get around Calcutta without money, but in NYC, cab drivers expect to be paid. She rebuked them and had Faith that the Lord would provide for her and her Sisters. He did. They got around the city just fine. Now I emptied out my wallet and found $80, a debit card, a credit card, and a gift certificate for a free carwash and a free sub from Subway. Talk about security. I had enough cash to buy just about anything I could want, and if I needed more, I could easily get it. I also had an insurance card that would get me medical treatment anywhere in the country. Well then I will definitely be cared for if I am hurt. I also had a library card just incase I needed a book and a calling card in case I didn’t have my phone and I was in trouble. I emptied it out. I have a very thin wallet now. Then I realized with horror that all I have done this entire summer is sell security. Life insurance is nothing but stability and security for families after the death of a loved one. Heath insurance is the same. And the name of the mutual funds I work with is securities. This business is really easy. I did some math and if I spend 4 to 8 years doing this after graduation in 2009 I can either afford to do pretty much anything I want or expand the business enough to hold a majority share in the Corp so I can do anything I want for the rest of my life with no worries about money. Wonderful. It is just here, waiting to fall into my lap. So maybe Jesus doesn’t want me for a sunbeam. Nirvana could have a point. Maybe I am more cut out for the Indiana life. But I took a look around at the people in this place and yeah I am scared as hell that I will end up the same way. So maybe I will rise, dye my hair and change my name to run straight from this place. Thanks Guster.

From Josh

Can We Keep It Together?

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 04:22:07 GMT

Well children, I took a few days off from reading the news to clear my head, read, and work only to find that upon my return the world is falling apart. Israel and Lebanon, North Korea and Japan, India and everyone, and of course us and the entire Middle East are all really trying to be the cause of the next World War. Exciting times really, I just hope a few of us make it when the cockroaches have taken over. Working is still a pain but I am grateful for being able to work. I am tired at nighttime for the first time all week, so I think I will take advantage of it and read.

I leave you with an excerpt on giving from The Prophet…

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. For what are your possessions but things you keep and guard for fear you may need them tomorrow? And tomorrow, what shall tomorrow bring to the over prudent dog burying bones in the trackless sand as he follows the pilgrims to the holy city? And what is fear of need but need itself? Is not dread of thirst when your well is full, the thirst that is unquenchable?

You often say, “I would give but only to the deserving.” The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture. They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish. Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights, is worthy of all else from you. And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream. And what desert greater shall there be, than that which lies in the courage and the confidence, nay the charity, of receiving? And who are you that men should rend their bosom and unveil their pride, that you may see their worth naked and their pride unabashed? See first that you yourself deserve to be a giver, and an instrument of giving.”

From Josh

Final Thoughts on the World Cup

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 04:31:48 GMT

During my second semester at Hillsdale I underwent a strict regimen to experience and gain “class”. Well after all the wonderfully classy things I did, such as plays and concerts, my quest for classiness culminated in touring Europe. I figured that Europe had to be classy and I was determined to soak in the classiness. I was less than impressed with parts, but overall I was satisfied. Well upon my return to the States, I had high hopes for the world in the cup, but I was disappointed. Even the least classy teams, Italy and France had to go to new lows. Italy is one of the dirtiest countries (I don’t know from experience, but I have heard) and one of the dirtiest teams. France’s immense load of class was clearly demonstrated in the final game of the World Cup with their classy veteran Zinedine Zidane head-butting Marco Materazzi. That was a great way to go out big man, congrats. To you France, I say stay classy.

Oh and if you recall, the US was the ONLY team not to lose to Italy. I think that is a big victory, we are almost like co-champions. Good for us.

Sleepless in Indiana

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 03:30:21 GMT

Hello

Have you ever had one of those days that you didn’t want to wake up because you felt so awful? Yes well I only wish I could have been sleeping to not want to wake up. I was a complete failure on Friday, absolutely awful. I had lunch with two old friends, one is a Catholic and one is a Lutheran converting to Catholicism. I tried to talk to them about my thoughts on the Church and the issues I see as HUGE problems. It was terrible. I tired to use the Bible to support my positions and rather than refute my interpretation of it and the conclusions I drew, they simply threw the Bible out, citing that we loose something in translation. I had no idea what to do. I mean I like these guys, but they almost wanted to be blind sheep led to the slaughter, I felt so helpless and weak, and apparently Paul found strength in his weakness, but all I have is more weakness. I mean seriously, for a Christian Studies major, I am not doing well.

So now on to other awful things. Sometime I will have some really happy stuff to talk about, but not yet. So I nearly quit my Wal-Mart job today. I have been going through heck and jumping through hoops to get a new availability filled out, so I can have more hours, save up more money, and take wicked trips to California and Canada. They continue to hassle me about working all day Sunday, Saturday, and Friday. I could really see working Friday and Saturday, but I cant take all three, especially Sunday. This may seem trivial, but I have to make a stand somewhere. I am overwhelmed, frustrated, and confused. I have to work at 8 tomorrow morning and I need sleep, but I am sleepless in Indiana.

From Josh

Oh me.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 21:18:34 GMT

Why hello there, glad you could join me.

I am not working today, I am off for the week from my internship and Wal-Mart is easy to adjust, which is fantastic because I am exhausted. Wal-Mart has been really tough recently, I am still in the doghouse for that whole “Christ” thing at work and I seem to get into more trouble everyday. I have a friend there named Tyler that I am beginning to get him think. In a positive way. He was the Valedictorian in the Class of 2005 from my high school’s Catholic rival high school. He is a sharp cookie, bio major in a tough program and has a 4.0. I quite like the kid and he has the same views about Wal-Mart as I. It really is a dreary place, everywhere you turn I find anger, desperation, poverty, and emptiness. I see mothers screaming at their crying children, people trying to steal 5 bucks worth of soda pop, and lust at the vast amount of nothing people can get with their money. I was put in a very grumpy place for most of Saturday and Sunday. I usually get put on the Self Checkouts because I am sort of one of the larger cashiers there and people usually don’t want to try to steal when I am on watch. I am not sure whether to be flattered or not. So I was sulking around watching people while I was supposed to be watching the people checking themselves out when I was struck by this beautiful one month old boy. Absolutely knocked me off my feet. I stopped looking at all the bad things (as numerous as they are) and saw happiness beneath, interracial couples that were conquering the history of racism and hate, young couples that were building a future together, and the beauty and the blessing wrapped into the curse of poverty. The greatest strength is in weakness. I was so disappointed that I was beginning to lose Hope that I almost wept in the middle of Wal-Mart. More on Hope at a later date. I soon recovered my manliness and finished my shift humbly, realizing just how far I have to go. Hope is amazing. I also have a few confessions to make. (Allusion to Guster)

Confession number one - I am very excited that Germany is doing well in the World Cup. Some people don’t care much for Germany but I appreciate and respect the history of the German team. Speaking more of the World Cup, every time I go to FoxSports.com I see more garbage trashing the American team. You can hate hypocritically hate America for a variety of reasons, but leave the American team alone, our boys tried and lost. They will get over it and move on to try better next time.

Confession number two – I have officially solidified my stance against Harry Potter. This may seem trivial, but I have become very concerned with the recent rise of Wicca and the like. There is a clear correlation between the normalization of the idea of witchcraft among our youth and adults alike and the rise of this clearly false teaching. In the past I might have agreed to live and let die, but I don’t think that is the right thing to do. Should we accept Satan squirming around other people’s hearts, even though it doesn’t really impact me? We must resist and if God wills it, no problem.

Confession number three – I am moving closer to a decision about the future. Or maybe I am just not resisting the flow of necessity. Thanks Marty. I decided to see what a few good friends of mine thought about the situation, Adam, Brian, Ryan, and Joe, the Gusters. I have heard a lot of dissent about the new album and I will fervently declare that the new album is a much more mature and deep look from the old boys, second only to Lost and Gone Forever on my favorites list. Ttheir position was quite clear; just listen to C'mon, Manifest Destiny, One Man Wrecking Machine, Great Escape, Rocketship, or Parachute just to name a few. Well I will take your advice under consideration thank you very much.

From Josh

I am back

Fri, 30 Jun 2006 19:10:28 GMT

Not quite yet, but very soon.
From Josh

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 04:08:18 GMT

My Dear Friends in Truth
Welcome to March. I hope all you are prepared for the Maddness. UConn is the team that I think has the best chance this year, and unless something awful happens, they win it in my book. Unless IU can pull it off. That would be awful. Thank the Lord Mike Davis is gone. Oh and this Conner midterm is not going to be fun. Good news-I got an A on my first 6 page paper in Regime of Lib. Good for me.
Josh

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 04:55:21 GMT

My Dear Friends in Truth,
Last week I experienced something that I usually try to avoid, I felt a little guilty about something I did. Generally speaking, I am usually able to shrug most things off, isolationism is the best form of self-preservation as Holden once said, and guilt shouldn’t bother a private man. That's not really what guilt is though, you shouldn’t really be able to shrug it off. Everyday we’re out there talking, smiling, but the guilty person knows that it's all unreal. It's like guilt is this secret inside of you that constantly eats you, destroys the fabric of everything, and then everything's unreal. You can't even have a life. But it's not necessary for it to destroy you. You just have to grow up, face it and pray it doesn’t crucify you. As overdramatic as that appears, guilt is sometimes not really guilt at all. I amplified a small thing to make a big, all encompassing generalization. Goodie for me. In other news, the trip back to Indiana was most enjoyable. I ordered some Guster tickets for the April 6 show at Michigan State and am really looking forward to that. Also, I am sitting here looking at AIM and thinking to myself, why do we all get on AIM and instantly put up an away message. It is pretty deceptive really. I am officially not a fan. Also I just realized that this super sweet movie I bought is in German. I also just realized that I don’t speak German. Wonderful. Alas, I have a paper to write and I grow weary, so I shall take my leave of you now. I believe I could use some rest.
Yours in Truth,
Josh

Fri, 10 Feb 2006 01:51:49 GMT

Dear Friends in Truth,
I woke this morning excited to find I experienced the same dream I had the night before, the one when I wake up and am alive. Today was a difficult day. I did manage to stay awake in class but did not go to work. Moving on to other topics, a wise man in the American Heritage book said that “Greatness is not measured in power, but in how we treat one another.” This is significant in Truth because many of us may believe that illness and division has arisen in areas of our group, subtracting from the overall good. In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran wrote this of friendship, “Your friend is your needs answered. He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving. And he is your board and your fireside. For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.” Lest we forget who we are and what we may become, we should all take inventory of the fields in which we sow. I believe all our fields still reap thanksgiving. Tomorrow is a small day. I am looking forward to being done with school. I believe I could use some rest.

Yours in Truth
Josh

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 05:44:13 GMT

My Dear Friends in Truth,
Today I awoke to a screaming cellular alarm around a quarter past seven to make an eight o’clock Biology Lab. As exhausting as peering at cells from my mouth and an onion was, overall it went well. I was listening to Imagine by John Lennon between Lab and my 9:30 class. It got stuck in my head and quite ironically we discussed proof of the existence of a God. I was humming Imagine there's no heaven while we were spouting off about Pascal’s wager. Post class I rushed out to get a picture for a Passport. Unlucky as I am, the machine was broken at the drug store and I was unable to get the job done. I could barely stay away in my afternoon classes and was forced to go to the mailroom for an hour afterwards. I was in a sour mood until I arrived at my room and met my good friends Isaac, Jared, and Lauren. Out of all the woe of the monotonous day, the night was made when Lauren suggested we go out to eat. Brad and I accompanied her group and dinned like Kings. After a dreadful performance of Hamlet, it is time to rest. Although Thursday was full of twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights, I had good health, good thoughts, and good humor, thank God Almighty.

Yours in Truth,
Joshua Grabner